How are you? This feels more interesting than telling you how I am, as, as you can probably tell from the lack of writing, I haven’t felt like I have too much to say lately.
Well that’s not entirely true - I have a total of 6 essays/letters/words sitting in my drafts currently, none of which I feel comfortable releasing unto the world right now.
There’s some pretentious bollocks about swimming, in which the words I wrote in my head just do not translate onto paper (or screen) and just sound bleurghhhh. All that shit about leaves, Gabby! No one cares about the ducks! Although you may be interested to know, I am still swimming! It’s the best. It’s so cold. I am so brave!
There’s some stuff about anger and how angry I was for a lot of September, except with anger comes vulnerability and much of that doesn’t feel processed adequately to share it with you yet. Although I would like to talk about what to do with anger when you’re a) trying to rest and b) trying not to be an activist and I will at some point…
I wrote about work - there have been some rejections in October: again, not fully processed so perhaps not for now, but enough to rattle me so hard it’s got me questioning life choices all over again. A lot of reminding from friends and family that one person’s opinion does not matter, but try telling a highly sensitive brain that.
So what is this piece? It’s telling you about what I’m not telling you. I hope it doesn’t feel like content for the sake of content, because it’s not and because as I promised way back at the beginning, I’m writing to write, I’m writing to learn how to write and I’m writing to remember that actually I can write. So it’s more that than just trying to have something to say.
It’s working out how to say the things I want to say, but am not 100% sure I want committed to the internet. It’s learning how to write consistently when you’re not only writing about traumatic times - I have written about experiencing antisemitism and I’ve written about a horrible break up, but they were essential writing - there was no way they could stay inside.
Now, I’m learning how to dig for gold without mining.